Robert G. Lewis

Exploring and developing our promise of a permanent family for every child.

What Do You Think? ^©

April 2003

Volume 4, Issue # 6

Topic: What About Belonging For Those Young People Who Are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Or Questioning?

Ideas: Is the there a group more left out of the loop than the kids who are GLBTQ (gay)? Homophobia is so woven into our personal and social fiber that it seems to go deeper even than racism. And yet because of that very fact these young people are perhaps the most in need of family belonging.

Discussion: As a permanent family connection for teens gathers itself into a movement across the country, young people who are gay or “suspected” of being gay remain sidelined. Repeatedly when we talk about their unique needs, we talk about putting them into group homes with others who face the similar life challenges of self acceptance and discrimination. We talk about programs for them. Are we ghettoizing or supporting and where’s the line? Seldom do we talk about permanent families for them. And when we do, we talk about maybe gay/lesbian families. But that brings up a whole other set of issues. As “tolerant”, accepting or even as loving as we may be, we find it hard to imagine a straight family making room for a gay young person as part of their family. Is that real or a reflection of our own feelings?

Our own homophobia runs deep. Not long ago a young man coming out of Rikers Island (NYC prison) told me about an incident where one of his cell block mates was caught having sex with another guy. As the guard berated him, the guy protested “I’m a murderer, not a fag!” How much do we all believe it’s better to be a murderer than “a fag”? And how is that reflected in the work we do with young people? How do we support others in accepting and welcoming them? As much as gay young people need the loving acceptance of others who face the same oppression, they also need the unconditional, irrevocable belonging of family. What keeps us from believing that it’s possible for gay young people to have permanent loving family membership may be in the roots of our own homophobia even in those of us who have “come out”.

We have come a long way in talking about race and ethnicity; a young person’s need for family and cultural/ethnic/racial roots. Not that we have it clear, but we can talk about it. There is an analogy here. We may be in that place of “better for them to age out of care from an accepting program that can teach them how to deal with living in an oppressive society” than risk the “uncertainty and unpredictability” of a family, straight or gay. Is the issue the fact that they have been vehemently rejected by their birth families? And yet, here they are in our care, sometimes in numbers as high as 25% of our kids. Who needs the shelter of family more than a young person who has been living with the assaultive rejection on a personal level, a family level and the societal level? What will it take to make sure ALL our young people are safe and secure?

What Do You Think?